So sorry if you get this post twice in your reader, I accidentally titled it 31 Days To A Better Dressed Nest, last year’s series.
She invited me in and immediately apologized profusely for what a mess her house was. I expected to see a normal house in normal disarray like how mine looks when I’m about to host a big bunch of people in a couple of hours. I was wrong.
Her home was stunning. It was gorgeous. It was glorious. Maybe a little breathtaking. It looked like it was ready for its close up in Southern Living. This girl was so talented. She had a great eye for design and beautiful furniture. I wish I could show you a photo. You would gasp. And she was apologizing for the mess?
I made two mental notes that day.
1. Never invite her to my home because if HER house isn’t good enough for her, mine certainly won’t be.
2. Stop apologizing for small imperfections in my home.
I had always apologized for my home to protect myself so people wouldn’t think I was a slob or at least they would know that I acknowledge I can be a slob and that I’m not ok with it and that really, I have much higher standards than this and my house does not meet my requirements.
It wasn’t until that life changing moment in that unmessy, beautiful home that I realized that all apologies have power. After that day, I made it a point to start controlling my apologies and using them for good and not evil.
Be sure to visit the other 31 dayers:: The Inspired Room, Remodeling This Life, Chatting at the Sky, Balancing Beauty and Bedlam, My First Kitchen, Life With My 3 Boybarians, Reluctant Entertainer over the next 31 days.
Want to read all the Less Messy Nests posts? Click here.
I feel like I am too Catholic NOT to apologize. I know I need to correct this. I don’t apologize when family or “old” friends come over…just those new ones — oh that 1st impression issue gets me every time. I need to embrace my home..afterall — it is mine. :)
Cheers~
e
Best.Post.Ever.
Amen sista.
GREAT topic! :) And yes, each apology (insecurity in my case) can also translate to something else for the other person. You listed an example, that they might never invite you over. Second, if you are that picky about what your home looks like and pick it apart, you might also do that in regards to them. I need to quit doing that because I would never want to make people feel uncomfortable because I was uncomfortable!
Great post!
♥ Amber
Silver Lining
Easier said than done for me.
I will try. :)
K
I don’t apologize because I think it just draws people’s attention to things I’d rather they wouldn’t notice. Plus it irritates the heck out of me when someone apologizes for their ‘mess’. I know that real people live there.
Love that advice about a home. Ditto for a life.
Thank you for this! I tend to always apologize too if someone drops in, but I am learning not to. We LIVE in our house. And with 3 kids 4 and under, well, life is messy sometimes!! :) I don’t ever want my kids to remember me as the mom that was too busy cleaning to spend time with them. {Trust me, that is NOT going to be their memory!! ;)}
AMEN & AMEN. our homes are OURS lets be proud of them even if there is some dust. it shows we LIVE here!!!!!!!!!
I have to bite my tongue constantly to stop myself apologising (renovating, five small children, need I say more?) and drawing attention to imperfections. Sometimes I think I say just so I can hear people tell me it’s OK that my house is imperfect – making it totally about ME and not my guests!
Of course she could have said it because she then knew that you would think ‘wow – why is she apologising?’ I don’t apologise when people come to my home, they are hear to see me not be bothered by the interior of the house.
I think a lot of it was simply out of habit for her. And for us. We just get used to apologizing every time someone comes.
this is so me. i apologize way too much about how my house looks. something i’m working really hard on too but am finding so difficult. i want them to think i’m super duper awesome when i really don’t need to haha… sigh… loving your posts thanks.
Whenever I go into a home that truly is a mess, and the homeowner never says a word, it actually puts me at ease – it’s the whole confidence thing. When I go into a house where the homeowner is constantly apologizing, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.
YES, YES! I feel the same way! At ease.
Wow, what a great post and as much as I hate to admit it I am guilty of this myself. Generally, I think we apologize way to much. I have made a conscious choice to never apologize for the condition of my home again. Thanks for enlightening me nester!
I have enjoyed this whole series, but this post especially speaks to me (and I imagine quite a few other women). What a great *new* mindset to have – use those apologies for good not evil. Perfect!
Thank you for this post!
-Rachel
Thanks for this. I live in a country where most people don’t have enough storage space. (no closets-you use wardrobes, etc.) Some of our friends don’t seem to be bothered and ok with the cluttered look. We have only been in this house for 10 months and I have been apologizing when people come over for the reasons you listed. I may have been offending as our house is tidier than most of our friend’s houses… no more apologizing for me – infact we have a house guest coming- you have freed me from cleaning their bathroom : )
It’s so hard, isn’t it? Saturday night, we had friends over – the first time they’d been to this house – and I still haven’t hung much on the walls, etc. I had to fight ever urge not to apologize for the house, but I didn’t!! We are always harder on ourselves than others would be!
That is me! I apologize for my house not being finished. I don’t have much on the walls either. I just sold my dining table and now the dining room is empty. I feel like I have to apologize for it not being finished and cozy for them to enjoy. This post was fantastic and extactly what I needed to hear. It’s going to be so hard. I feel like I apologize all the time for not only my home, but other things I feel like I fall short on in life.
Thanks nester. I’ll be thinking a lot about this today!
This is so true. I always apologize for the state of my house. The ugly carpet and the bad linoleum (we are renting). I somehow feel the need to point out everything I hate about my house. I don’t know why I do that. I recently went to the house of a childhood friend I hadn’t seen in years. Her house was very beautiful and she showed me into the kitchen and there were dirty dishes piled in the sink and it was like she didn’t even notice them. I thought to myself, I want to be like that! For crying out loud, who cares! I refuse to apologize again for the state of my home. Thank you.
I always assumed I was only beating myself up with my perfectionism… turns out I had been making everyone around me uncomfortable too! I had my “aha” moment about 6 years ago when a friend let me know she was worrying about what I would think of her cooking (I was always striving to impress her when she’d come over to our house; I was over-doing it).
Thank you for sharing this! It is time we were all a little more real with one another.
Excellent post! I’m guilty of this, so thanks for the reminder that I need to stop doing it.
I had to laugh as I read that post. A long time ago in the far away land of Louisville Ky when I was a young wife and mother, I had a wonderful friend named Rosie. She practiced Biblical Hospitality. Her house was not perfect but her love for others was!!! She gave me a great tip….at the beginning of each day, she sprinkled Comet in her toilets! That way if someone dropped by it looked as though she was in the process of cleaning.lol…..
Love it! That is so funny!
AMEN. I almost drowned in the pool of approval of (wo)men…I was able to tread water for a long time, but then it was too much. Grace has changed me. I am so thankful for the neighbor 9 years ago, who lived grace and invited me to hear more. Knowing who I am in Him prepared me to fight the good fight (and is it EVER a FIGHT!) while remaining here.
Thank you for this post. It is a beautiful communication of grace.
That gets an “Amen!” from me.
Our former minister of education’s wife had a very “lived in” house with three children in cramped space. She was the most hospitable woman I had ever met. And she was HAPPY! One of her favorite stories was once when they invited a couple over after church and they had nothing to eat except popcorn, peanut butter sandwiches and Kool-Aid. She said they had the best time ever and became best friends with the couple. That’s pretty laid back!
That’s great! Totally laid back and I like it :)
oh, to use apologies for good and not evil. that is some good advice today sister. love it.
OMG Nester! I do this too! Well, my apologies go a little something like: “Oh, I’m sorry you sat on that spider man.” Or, “Let me get that Tonka truck out of your way”. I mean seriously….We’ll be having play dates and I’m apologizing for toys being in the way!
And not to mention my apologies for what another commenter said, I always point out whats wrong with my house. You know, no one will ever know whats “wrong” with your house if you don’t tell them! Great post girl!
I am loving this series! I was sooooooooooo guilty of this yesterday when some family came over for a sewing day. We have been in our home for 11 months & I still am deciding what to do in certain areas (I am ALWAYS deciding & never doing…but that is a whole other issue). I felt like I should have more done & I kept saying I am thinking about doing this here & this there & I kept seeing “dirty” in places that I had just cleaned b/c I have a 3.5yo & a 13m old. Thanks for sharing this to help us remember we live in our homes, it isn’t a showroom that should be perfect…it’s a kid friendly, no one has to worry about messing it up, come sit down & relax kind of place…& it’s MINE!
Quite possibly your best post ever. Using your apologies for good rather than evil.
Thank you!
i think we draw more attention to the details by showing how insecure we are in our own homes. our home is the one place we should feel most comfortable and secure. i say this being the mother of 5 with the tiniest house of anyone i personally know! my sister came over last week, she didn’t even notice my “mistreatments”! i literally had thrown fabric over the rod and it was still tucked under at the bottom, not hemmed or even cut to the correct length! it wasn’t until i said something about it, that she said she hadn’t even noticed! i used to watch Christopher Lowell on HGTV and the one thing that has stuck with me the most is this~~ People come to your home to see you! They don’t notice the ” imperfections” . And if they do, so what? If they point it out, they don’t deserve to be in your home or in your company.~~~
Word!!! ;) I HATE it when I go into a friend’s gorgeous, clean, well-decorated McMansion and get the old “I am soooo sorry for the mess. This place is a gross disaster” comment. It only makes me envision the pile of Polly Pockets we left on the floor of the addition and the plates from breakfast that I left (gasp) in the sink before we left the house. It never occurred to me that I might do the same and make someone else feel bad. Very thought-provoking!
I had just the opposite moment a few years ago. A friend invited us over for supper. Her house was a WRECK. It was tiny, cramped, disorganized, and dirty actually but let me tell ya… we had a ball. None of it mattered. We enjoyed the visit and I walked away feeling more free to just be me. Sometimes houses are a wreck…. we LIVE in them. I’d rather a tidy home. Tidy homes seem to camoflauge the dirt somehow.
All that to say… I , too, have learned to stop apologizing.
for the record though… I’d love to live in one of the magazine ready homes… if I had someone else to keep looking that good. LOL
Thank you! I even battle within about whether to apologize as I see piles of dog hair in the corner or a sticky ring on the coffee table. This encourages me next time to just work hard to make others feel comfortable and not like perfection is my standard. I hate to think that others may have left my house and felt the same as you about not wanting to have me over because if I’m that unhappy with my house, I’d really think theirs was bad. Sounds like the opposite of hospitality to me. Great encouragement!!
This makes me chuckle. I’m always apologizing for the house. Not because I’m fishing for a compliment but because the house is almost always a mess. Recently, I had a relative stop by unexpectedly and I didn’t apologize once. I just laughed, invited her in and told her to step over the toys! It was so freeing!
I feel like this post has spoken directly to me!
Gosh. I’ve never looked at it like that. I apologize up and down, because in my previous life (before kids and a cross country move) I was an interior designer. They’re expecting to be wowed beyond existence… um, not gonna happen. I have an average run of the mill home. I apologize because in the last year I’ve had so many people make me feel bad about our home, it’s gotten to be a habit. We moved from a tiny townhome in a high cost of living area to tripling our home in a low cost of living area… so nothing we had previously works – at.all. Our home is severly un-decorated and EVERYONE tells me so, especially when they know I went to school for and worked as an interior designer. Anyway, you’re certainly right… I should stop apologizing… if only for own sanity! Cheers!
Tys is took me three years to find a sofa that DH and I could agree on-and in the meantime we lived with our old loveseat and recliner. Those things fit GREAT in our tiny house in England, but when we got back to the States, the furniture that fit into the 9×9 alcove that was our previous living room were dwarfed in our new 18×15 living room. The living room in this house is the same square footage of the entire downstairs of our house in England. We actually had room behind the furniture to fit a queen sized bed, and did so once when we had several guests.
If you plan to live someplace quite a while, you have the luxury of waiting until you find just the right things, and I strongly suggest you make this your story and stick to it! LOL!
I have done my share of apologizing and my share of manic cleaning and muffin making before a friend arrives at my door. But another close friend of mine never does and her wise mother, Jane, once told her a messy house is actually a gift to another woman. I’ve taken that into account in the last years. We’ve all been there and none of us are perfect, so why not invite someone into the messy part of life and practice not judging self or others. I like that so much better. I like it clean too but not in exchange for crazy making.
I got into the apology habit and maintained it for years…..only recently have I STOPPED. And it feels sooooo good! Great post :)
This is such a different way to look at it. I think apologizing is like a shield we put up to ward people off from judging us, but really, it just might make them judge themselves more than they already do. Oh, if I could just learn to keep my mouth closed more often, what a grand life I would have. ;)
I SO agree with this topic. It makes people feel so uncomfortable in your home if you apologize for anything! I know how I feel if someone apologizes like that – it makes me feel unwelcome and intrusive. And if someone is truly mortified at something in my home… are they really someone I WANT in my home anyway?!?! I’ve noticed over the years that people drop by MORE when you NEVER apologize – its because they always feel welcome – warts and all.
I consider myself to be a non-judgemental person, and pretty easy to get along with, and would never intentionally make anyone uncomfortable…ever…for any reason.
So why did I not know that apologizing did this?? It makes complete sense! It makes people feel unwelcome and intrusive. I am dumb-founded! I think I do it to protect myself from their judgement, but unwelcome and intrusive is not what I am going for!
I am now a former apologizer!
Just to clarify, so the first Karen doesn’t look like a split personality of the second Karen, we are different people!
:) haha
I agree with this 100%. Now if I can execute it I will be a much less stressed-out hostess. This is my favorite post thus far in the series. Thanks for waking me up!:)
I agree! Either the apologies come off as insincere or they make the other person feel bad. Neither are beneficial to anyone. Good reminder!
It’s like you plucked this right out of my brain this morning. .. .I have a luncheon over here in 3 hours. . . and I’ve told myself over and over
“now you’re not going to apologize. For anything.”
I’m such an apologizer.
Did anyone else get a chuckle out of this article? The Title: Quit Apologizing and the first sentence starts with “So sorry if you ,,,” It makes you want to read the entire article.
Yes — ha, ha!
What a refreshing post.
Glad I wasn’t the only one to laugh at the irony of this post. “Quit apologizing” “Sorry. . .”
Ooh, this one hit home. I’ll tell you why. The other day, my new neighbor came in through my garage so I could show her something. I had walked in first and thought, ‘I need to apologize for the mess.’ Well, in the four seconds in between the moment she came in, I forgot to say I was sorry for the state of my kitchen. She looked at my new $16.99 amazing ruffled bowl from Maxx and left, because our kids were outside.
Never have I thought that apologizing seems unwelcoming. I had always thought the opposite! But I get it now. If I apologize for the state of my house (which I must admit is quite neat most of the time because our home is for sale) it could make someone feel like they wouldn’t want me to come to their home.
The funny thing is the lesson I HAD learned that day was this: It’s amazing how a few things on the kitchen counter (purse, keys, phone, said ruffled bowl and coloring book) can make an otherwise neat room look messy. Maybe you could post on that one day. I think we can focus on details that don’t matter as much and miss the things that don’t take much time, but make an even bigger impact. My messy floors always drive me crazy, but in a pinch I should focus on those semi-cluttered counters first.
i just moved and almost a month later still have boxes in the garage, unpacked clothes and not a thing hung on the wall. i am waiting for the place to speak to me.
Meanwhile, life goes on and i have had to resist the need to ask others to excuse the mess, but maybe for a different reason.
i would rather put my energy towards making people comfortable in visiting, maybe doting on them a bit rather than in making myself look good by having a showplace to showcase. A good cup of coffee, a comfortable place to sit and some decent conversation are at the top of my list.
i have more than a home to offer. i have ME.
Did i mention this is the best homemaking blog on the web?
♥
Agreed! Apologizing also seems as though you aren’t content. I’ve done it a few times – only to make me feel better – but I know it’s not a good idea. I don’t like it when others apologize when I go to their house – they make me uncomfortable as though I’ve intruded on their privacy and I’m in their way (a nuisance). If your house is a mess, it’s a mess. If it’s clean, it’s clean. If you don’t like it, do something rather than apologize!
Recently my best friend since before school days ( I can’t remember not knowing her) was at my house (apartment). My house was messier than usual. And, so , I apologized for the mess. She said, ” your house has a comfort about it” and I thought – you know – it does. It is well used and I almost alwasy have a pile of books and magazines laying around – even stacked on the floor some (most) times. It is just who I am and where I am in my life right now and no need to apologize. People who come to see me don’t pay attention to my messes and people who come to see my house will just have to be disappointed if it’s too messy for them! Thanks for the reminder to not apologize for the mess (I mean love) in my home.
I do that too. It’s dumb. I even called my mom out on it before too. I need to make sure I don’t do that anymore!
i used to do this all the time and still catch myself. last night a couple of friends came over for some glee time {which was a re-run ugh!} my sofa is not slipcovered and i have a chair that is only half-way slipcovered. one said. “i like your two-tone slip.” i should’ve just gone with it, but i didn’t. i had to tell her that it wasn’t done. but i didn’t apologize for it not being done. we just watched re-run glee, drank wine and ate bread with oil/vinegar. lovely.
I have always been reluctant to have people over and I always feel the need to apologize or point out little flaws about my home. Then I started to realize that I work full time and I really don’t want to spend every waking moment cleaning house. What kind of mother would I be if I couldn’t spend time with my bambino because the house needs to be clean. I feel like women should just stop pretending that we live in perfectly clean houses everyday and that if we don’t there is something wrong. I want to live in my home!
Four weeks ago I broke my leg and have had to ask for a lot of help! I have purposely NOT apologized when someone walks in and sees my growing pile of mail on the counter. It’s been a big lesson for me, first to ask for help and secondly not to apologize.